Explaining My Abrosexuality

I want to talk about Abrosexuality. Specifically my Abrosexuality. Please note: I am only talking for myself, I cannot speak for anyone else who is Abrosexual. I have also never met another Abrosexual person in my life.

Q: How would you date/marry someone if who you’re attracted to changes so much?

I’ve realized that it’s not who I’m attracted to that changes. It’s what. On days when I’m attracted to men, I still have a crush on that cute blonde girl. You know….that one. It’s more like I’ll find men attractive sometimes and other times I’ll find women attractive. Then there are those times when I find no one attractive. No one.

Q: So you change your label every day?

Not necessarily. Wether I feel gay one day or straight the other, I always say Pansexual (sometimes Bisexual depending on who I’m talking to). It’s just easier.

Q: So it’s seriously every day?

Not really. I’ve experienced being gay for weeks. I was Ace for a week one time. It’s kind of similar to Genderfluidity.

Q: Does media influence it?

I’m not sure if media really influences it but the environment I’m in definitely does.

Q: What about your gender?

Well, I’m a Transgender boy. Like…always. Seriously. It’s pretty solid. The only thing in my life that is these days.

 

Thanks for reading! I’ll take more questions in the comments so if you’re wondering anything about me, my gender, my sexuality, etc, just ask! I promise to answer (unless it’s inappropriate)!

Don’t Flatter Yourself

Something you will probably hear if you come out/already have heard when you came out was as gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc is, “Do you like me?” It comes in many incarnations. One friend of mine just repeatedly said, “Please don’t have a crush on me, please don’t have a crush on me, please don’t have a crush on me.” And I’m not even going to say how purely homophobic that is.

When I first identified as lesbian, I came out to a few friends. I remember several reactions. Most people were casually homophobic. They’d not say anything but ignore me completely (even if I talked to them), be generally rude, and scoff whenever I said anything related to my lesbianism. This is the type of thing that slowly but steadily breaks you, instead of the fast stuff like, “You know you’re going to hell, right?”

Now, then there was my grandma. My grandma is several years behind considering my identity because she’s horribly homophobic so I opted out of telling her. But eventually it came up when I had a girlfriend. She got upset because I was talking about my girlfriend and my 5-year-old (Edit: What? He’s 7 years old now? Ooooh…) was sitting there and playing. She told me several things like how I’m mixing up “friendship” with “romance” and how she had the “same thing” when she was “my age” but then she met her current husband and “realized that was real love.” I was flabbergasted. What I expected was something far more casual like just asking me not to talk about my femalexfemale romances. I knew my grandmother was homophobic but I didn’t expect this. All I could do was just…laugh. I mean…it was like a TV show with a homophobic mother who says, “Johnny! You’re going to hell! HELL, JOHNNY!”

Let me say, though, one thing. When I was lesbian-identifying I did say something that now deeply embarrasses and bothers me. I said that Bisexual people were “greedy.” But I must say, I did not mean it and regretted it literally minutes after I said it.

So, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you may know that I’m Pansexual. Or so I say. I’m not really Pansexual. Well, I am…sort of.

I am…

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But I’m also Panromantic. When I say Abrosexual usually I get, “Huh? What’s that?” or “That’s not real.” So, I just ended up going with Pansexual. By now almost everybody knows that. Not even people in the LGBTQ+ community know what Abrosexuality is. I’ll have to do more on that in another post but I want to talk more about the title topic.

One of the most frustrating responses to a coming out is the “Do you like me?” response. Because what you want to say is, “Don’t flatter yourself, *sshole.” But you can’t say that unless you want to burn some serious bridges. So, what do you say instead? Uuuuum…

“No.”

It’s not as satisfying and sometimes the person won’t even believe you but…what else do you say?

“Yes, because I am gay, I am clearly attracted to everyone.”

 

Bury Your Gays/Why I Love Welcome To Night Vale

Bury Your Gays is a trope in which LGBT characters are killed. Normally I would talk about how Transgender people get…um…0 representation. Like, seriously 0. But instead I want to talk about this trope about LGB characters. No T involved.

You see, most LGB characters in media these days are being represented and then killed or just…they’re side characters who are never in the show soyoucanjustassumetheyhaveahappyendinghahahahawe’reprogressive!

But seriously. This is really a problem. I mean you either have this:

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Or this:

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Can we not just have normal human characters who don’t die and aren’t insane stereotypes? Is that a possibility?

This is where Welcome To Night Vale and Alice Isn’t Dead (by the same people) come in.

Welcome To Night Vale

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Welcome To Night Vale is a comedy podcast about the community radio of a small desert community called Night Vale. Night Vale is different than other towns in that it features many worrisome creatures such as the five-headed dragons (R. I. P. Violet, you will be missed), the Glow Cloud (all hail), the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home, and more. Welcome To Night Vale has several Queer characters, but most notably is the main character of the show, Cecil Gershwin Palmer (voiced by Cecil Baldwin). Cecil is married to a man (a latino scientist named Carlos). They’re relationship is sweet, healthy, and normal. And neither of them are stereotyped. Cecil even confirms that he’s openly gay not Bisexual, in case anyone is wondering (door’s still open for Carlos, though). And there was a character Carlos encountered who is neither a man nor woman (AKA Nonbinary). Also Maureen (one of the only surviving interns of the Night Vale radio station) is a lesbian (indicated by her repeatedly telling Cecil that she “doesn’t like boys” when he said he found a certain man unattractive and her relationship with Michelle). There are a few other less prominent queer characters but I think I’ve covered the most prominent ones here so far. Whenever I think of really amazing representation of LGBT characters, I think of Night Vale.

Now, on the other hand, for lesbian/(female) Bisexual viewers there is also…

Alice Isn’t Dead

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By the same team as Welcome To Night Vale, Alice Isn’t Dead is about an unnamed woman (voiced by Jasika Nicole) searching the country in a truck to find her presumed dead wife, Alice, while coming across strange and horrifying creatures on the way. At first glance, this looks like the Bury Your Gays trope. “Dead wife? C’mon.” But no. The name of the podcast is Alice Isn’t Dead. This show certainly has some strong female representation, but just a warning…don’t listen to it at night…alone…in the dark. I made that mistake. It was a very, very big mistake.

There are a handful of media outlets that include LGBT characters, these are the best of that handful that I’ve found but I would love to know what ones you recommend! Tell me in the comments and I hope you liked this blog post!

Thanks for reading ~

Crushing

Yes, we’re talking crushes today. Why? Because I have it really bad for one singer. I’ve had a lot of crushes in my time. My first crush was when I was four years old and wow did I have it bad for her! Let me explain this, though: I’ve never had a crush on a celebrity. I mean, I’ve considered plenty of celebrities attractive (example: Peyton List, and just to clarify, I’m younger than her) but I’ve never really had a crush on a celebrity. A real crush. By now you must have noticed something, I like girls and guys (and other genders, for that matter). This is true. So, let me address something:

Born This Way

(Yes, yes, yes I know that Lady Gaga has a “born this way” song, well guess what? So does Three Days Grace so no this is not inspired by any song, I haven’t even listened to Lady Gaga’s song.)

…is BS. Let me explain. I definitely did not choose to like all genders. Not at all. But I was not born this way. If you ask me how long I’ve been into all genders, I’d say since I was four years old. Why? Because I had my first crush when I was four years old. I mean, can babies have romantic attraction? God no. And that’s normal! But it’s proof that we aren’t born with our romantic/sexual orientations. This doesn’t mean that romantic/sexual orientation is a choice, because it isn’t. But people aren’t born this way. Someone who became blind later in life didn’t choose to be blind but they weren’t born that way.

Well, to go back to the topic of my crush, I’ve had a lot of crushes but none on celebrities. Usually they have been on peers, colleagues, or fictional characters (the majority of my crushes are this). So, my first crush on a celebrity…hmm. I mean, it would never work for two reasons: 1. He’s a celebrity, I’m a nobody. 2. He’s over 10 years older than me (eh heh heh, that probably should have been #1). But, it’s just a crush. If you’re wondering who my crush is, it’s…..

Cody Carson from Set It Off

I Will Never Eat Popcorn Again (Also I Got Called the Correct Pronouns For the First Time!!!)

I was gendered correctly! Woohoo! But first, why I will never eat popcorn again:

So, I went to a new movie with my mother and my grandmother called Boss Baby. Don’t ask me anything about the movie because I couldn’t concentrate at all. Why? Well, I bought a big bag of popcorn to watch the movie with. One singular popcorn skin stuck in the back of my throat. So much pain….I finally got it out but there was still a cut. It was horrible. Well, it turns out that no. There was no cut. The piece of popcorn was at the back of my tongue, digging into the tissue of my tongue each time I swallowed. I got it out with a tooth brush luckily but it was really painful! But it’s gone now.

Alright, onto some more exciting news.

So, I started a new Shakespeare class because I absolutely love Shakespeare. The age range was worrisome because it included 8-year-olds (meaning I’d be the oldest and probably all the other kids would be 8-year-old girls who I have had very bad experiences with, dear god not the ponies again, NOT THE PONIES). Actually…there were three 8-year-old boys. At first I thought, “Oh gawd no.” because 8-year-old boys love potty humor and I hate potty humor. Well…it was actually really fun. I’ve always been automatically labeled as a “girl” so no boys wanted to hang out with me for fear of people thinking we’re dating (because of our heteronormative society). Well, these boys actually….gendered me correctly. This is the best part: The teacher thought I was a girl and I had to correct her but the boys knew right away that I was a boy. My guess is that the teacher (Katie) thought I was a girl because of my (unfortunately) naturally feminine body and face while all the boys saw was my Batman hoodie. Yeah, yeah, I know, girls can like Batman too, but this was just amazing. It was the first time I was actually ever gendered correctly by someone without having to tell them my pronouns! Later one of the boys asked me if I’m “a girl or a boy” and of course I wanted to say, “There aren’t only boys and girls,” but I just said that I’m a boy and he replied with, “Yeah, I thought you were but I just wanted to make sure.” It was really great to finally be called the right gender without having to correct the person first.

Sexism vs Homophobia

I was talking with my mom about how LGBTQ+ people, especially gay men, are shown in media. Just so you know going into this, this will mostly be about gay men since the characters in particular that we were talking about happen to be gay men. Well, I was saying how I hate the portrayal of Kurt Hummel from ‘Glee’ because of how much of a stereotype he is. He goes into the girls’ bathroom and literally calls himself an honorary girl! This is a direct quote from him:

“I thought we don’t get our periods until the end of the month.”

Gay men do not equal girls, ok?! Well, my mom brought up Mitchell and Cameron from ‘Modern Family’ because Cameron is into football and Mitchell is apparently very masculine. Well, actually, there is a whole episode about how Mitchell isn’t “masculine” enough to have a son and thus needs to blow things up to be masculine (cuz, you know, guys like blowing stuff up?) and I think we all know how ridiculous the Cameron liking football argument is. The guy wears pink striped shirts. His own husband and child constantly call him “she.” Let’s be real here. I know what you’re wondering….how does sexism come into play here? Well, I’m asking the same question, actually. My mom says that apparently these homophobic portrayals of men are…actually sexist. Because apparently it’s not stereotyping gay men as much as it’s stereotyping women. Uuuh…actually…we’re talking about men right now….gay men. This has nothing to do with women. My mom’s argument is that gay men being stereotyped as “effeminate” and “girly” is stereotyping women because….you know…..yoooooouuuuuu knooooooooow…..feminism.

Let me just get one thing straight here: I am not sexist. I consider myself a Humanist. I just don’t believe that the homophobic stereotype of gay men being effeminate is sexist because that doesn’t make any sense. I dunno. What do you guys think?

Tell me what you think in the comments! Hopefully I’ll have something more positive for my next post! Also…here’s a list of positive, non-stereotypical portrayals of gay men that I’ve found in media:

  • Welcome To Night Vale
  • The Fosters
  • Sam Smith (what? he’s awesome! and gay)

Yes, I know, the list is painfully short.

Confessions As A Trans* Man

Ok, every trans* person has confessions. Confessions like “I know I’m a girl but I really like soccer” or “I know I’m a boy but I really like the Power Puff Girls.” Everyone has these but especially trans* people because there’s so much pressure for us to “prove our gender” to everyone. I want you femme trans* guys out there to know you aren’t alone so today we’re going to explore some of my confessions as a Trans* boy.

The Knights Who Say Squee

Note: The title is a reference to the Knights Who Say Ni from Monty Python: the Holy Grail.

When I see a small, fluffy, cute animal…I am going to squeal. When I see a plush of a character I like or a small, fluffy, cute animal (usually pug) I am going to squeal. When I see fan art of my favorite ship I am going to squeal. When I see a ship of mine become canon I am going to squeal. I have tried very hard not to squeal when I see these things. I can’t. So instead I try to squeal when other people aren’t around, which is very hard.

My Dream World

Yes, I still dream about myself…as a girl. Usually it’s a dream like the princess dream I had a few months ago: I was trapped in a boarding school for naughty girls and desperately trying to get out because I knew I didn’t fit in since I’m not a girl. And for some reason the outfit everyone at the boarding school were forced to wear was…a princess dress. But, sometimes there are dreams I have in which I don’t even care about being a girl. Usually because I’m trying to save puppies from my teacher who’s lighting their tails on fire (that was a weeeeird dream) or saving a puppy from a field of mines in a playground (I dream about a lot of puppies) but still usually I actually feel almost ok with being a girl…for some reason. It’s strange.

Princess Dress

I have never been into princesses. Ever. It’s just not my thing. But I did dress up as a princess when I was little. I don’t think too much about this, more that I like dress up games. I’m more flamboyant than most boys, that’s why I call myself a femme. I like fashion and I love putting together outfits. And I have an account on a dress up game website. This causes a lot of dysphoria for me because it feels like I’m not a real man if I like these things. But, I remind you, you can like cars and be a girl and like fashion and be a boy. Dress up games, Barbies, and girl shows are my guilty pleasures.

My Favorite TV Shows

Three of my favorite TV shows are Jem and the Holograms, Power Puff Girls, and My Little Pony. Personally, I look at this way: My dad is as cisgender as it gets and he loves these shows maybe even more than I do!

 

I’m probably missing something and I may come back and add more to this list but for now these are the things that make me a femme boy. Honestly, being feminine has nothing to do with being a boy or girl so by now these things don’t cause me too much stress but I know how it feels to feel like I have to prove myself and I know how hard it is to give up things you love for your gender. I stopped getting a magazine that I liked because it was for girls. I don’t regret it that much but I liked the magazine so it’s a bit of a shame. Don’t give up things just for your gender. Gender and gender expression are two completely different things.

Feminine Words & How I Would Feel if Someone Called Me Them

Alright, so, there’s a blog I read called Not Another Aiden (http://notanotheraiden.com) and the author made a post in which he said his therapist told him to write a list of feminine words and how he feels about being called them. Well, I decided to do the same! Because…why not?

Girl – Ah, yes. My old nemesis. I’ve always hated the word girl and I think I always will. I cringe when I hear it used, even if it’s not used for me. It’s hard to say or even think this word just because of how much pain it’s brought me. Make no mistake, I have nothing against women, I only have a bone to pick with this word.

Woman – Honestly, especially since I’m a teenager, if someone called me a “woman” I would just cringe. It will never be something I’m able to identify with.

Tomboy – I understand that this still means *shiver* girl but somehow I’m actually ok with being called a Tomboy. Probably because it has boy in it. For a girl, I’ve always been a “Tomboy” and people have referred to me as such. Ironically, for a boy, I’m considered feminine.

Wife – Actually…I’m ok with this. I can’t really see myself being called someone’s “husband” it just sounds weird to me. I could see myself being referred to as my spouse’s “wife” and not feel unhappy about it.

Chica and Fille – Alright, originally the author of Not Another Aiden did Mija and Mijita but I am not Latino nor do I know what either of those words mean. I am, however, French and I am learning French and Spanish so Chica and Fille seem more appropriate for me. Honestly, Fille is the worst possible thing I can imagine someone calling me other than girl. Fille means girl in French, so that’s no surprise. But Fille would just be painful. Chica, however, I am a bit more indifferent to. Honestly, it would probably just merit a confused look.

Ma’am – Honestly, all this would earn from me is an “ew.”

Miss – Same as Ma’am. Ew.

Lady – Oh Cheesus Christ! If someone called me lady I would immediately run screaming.

Princess – Wut…honestly, I’ve always been “that girl that likes superheroes more than Disney princesses” so I couldn’t imagine this coming up but I would really just be confused. I don’t like this word and probably never will. If someone called me this, I would immediately tell them to stop.

Diva – …No…thanks….

Mother – Ooh…no. I could never see myself as a “mother” or a “father” I could see “dad” but not mother or father. It wouldn’t really be a gender thing, those words just make me…uncomfortable. They feel so formal. In my family, I call my grandmother Nancy (well, that’s out of pure disrespect), things are pretty casual. We’ve never done mother or father and it would be weirder if I called my dad my father than if I called him daddy.

Mom/Mommy – No. No no no. Nooooo. Dad is ok. Daddy is…fine. But not mom or mommy. NO.

Daughter – Ha ha ha ha, go to hell. I’ve been called a “daughter” before by my father and I hate this word with every atom in my body. Child is ok but I would much rather son than anything.

Girlfriend – Eeeeeeew. If any of my girlfriends/boyfriends/otherfriends EVER called me this there would be a break up in their future. Or, at the very least, a stern talking to.

Aunt – Blech. I can’t see myself as an “aunt” possibly uncle but I don’t have any nieces/nephews/other at the moment so it’s hard to view myself that way.

Sister – No. Not under any circumstances. Even when I was pretending to be a girl, I absolutely hated how my dad’s nickname for me was “sister” and his nickname for my brother was “brother.” He called me sister a few months ago and I actually puked in my mouth. It felt like a kick to the stomach. I don’t really respect my dad, I never have, but I care about him a damn lot and calling me that was literally like he was kicking me in the stomach. He doesn’t understand what it feels like to be constantly misgendered all the time. He doesn’t understand what it feels like to have to work to look like my gender and still have people use the wrong pronouns for me all the time. He just doesn’t get it. The least he can do is use the right words for me.

Thanks for reading, I hope this didn’t turn into too much of a rant, I’ll hopefully have some more cheerful news on my recent love of Young Justice in the future. Again, thanks for reading, good night!