*deep breath* Ok…it’s backstory time.
When I was younger (probably around 6 or 7 years old) I was really a tomboy. I always played the boy character in imaginary games and I hated pink. Honestly, I always knew I was really a boy. But I made friends with these two girls, sisters. They were my best friends and, even though I’m attracted to girls and was currently crushing on the cutest blonde at the time, I didn’t think of either of them as anything more than friends…well, sisters, I guess. They were both so unique and nice!
The older one, for the sake of privacy, I’m going to call J. She was, about, a year older than me. She loved jewelry and makeup. She always knew the hippest trends. I admired her ability to keep up with the times. These days, I’m kind of an old codger yelling at kids, “In my day, we actually laughed instead of using acronyms!”
The younger one, for the sake of privacy, I’m going to call K. She was, about, a year younger than me. She liked poofy skirts and animals and sparkly things. She loved fashion and sometimes I think she hid her true emotions by just smiling through it.
I was so different from both of them but….it didn’t matter. They’re the only friends that I can think about without having anxiety over embarrassing myself in front of them. It felt like they never judged me. We all had to bend a little because we were so different but we didn’t care. What little we had in common…was enough.
Eventually, J went to school…and I moved away…basically, I lost touch with J and K. I went back to see K a few times over the years but…it was hard.
Today at dinner my mom told me that K asked if I wanted to text. My reaction was, and I quote, “You mean K as in J and K, K?!” I was so excited! My head filled with thoughts like, “This is the best thing ever!”, “Maybe we’ll become best friends again!”, and “I can’t believe this is happening!”
And then one certain thought creeped into my head. One horrible memory of the thing that makes my life so difficult. The thing that I wish would just…go away!
I’m a boy.
K doesn’t know this. If I tell her that I’m a boy…I could lose K’s friendship forever. Well, here comes the big questions and, unfortunately, there are no do-overs in life so I have to answer it correctly or suffer the consequences:
Do I tell K?
If I tell her I’m a boy, one of three things could happen:
- She hates me.
- She accepts me.
- She comes out to me. <— (extremely unlikely)
If she ended up hating me…that would just be horrible. She was my best friend. If I don’t tell her, I’ll have to suffer through constant misgendering and deadnaming. (Misgendering is the act of referring to a person as a gender other than their gender identity. For instance, using female pronouns for me even though I’m a boy. This can be malicious but usually it’s just because the person knew me before my transition and doesn’t know I’m a boy. Deadnaming is the act of referring to a Transgender individual by their birth name instead of their preferred name.)
It’s horrible to be a called a girl. The feeling is so painful. I hate it. But is it worth it for her? She is my best friend after all…
I don’t know what to do. I’ll update after I text her.